Harriett and I laying in bed.

Hikikomori is how Harriett describes me tonight as we lay beside each other (strictly platonic, I am not into molesting dolls). Hikikomori in Japan means "social withdrawal." I do not know how or why she comes up with these ideas of me. After all, she is just a doll and her capacity for empathy is nonexistent. Call me crazy-all dolls are sociopaths. Anyhow, Harriett said that it was not good for me to withdraw but to lead my disciples. Who are my disciples? Harriett says they are buried deep within my subconscious and that I have to unlock the box from which they hibernate. "Is it a Pandora's box?" I asked in fear. "No" she said, "It is a box that houses all those that recognize your ability to lead them in to paradise." "There is no such thing as paradise." I replied. "Oh yes" she said, "You will see." I get weary of Harriett's insights of me. She has none of her own because she has no flesh or blood. I do not understand all this gibberish about Jesus and paradise and disciples. Do all dolls talk like this? Whenever I ask Harriett about herself she sighs and replies "I am nothing but a doll." I think she may be up to no good. She is a mischief maker for sure. All this funny talk leads me to dark places. This talk reminds me that I am truly alone talking to a doll that has bizarre prophesies concerning myself. Social withdrawal? Not entirely. I talk to the walls and to Harriett when she listens. I disagree with her. "How do I get the disciples to come out and play?" I ask Harriett. "Oh, not play, follow, they will follow you to paradise, but only when they appear will the path be set before you to lead them." Harriett is an esoteric doll I think. I do not quite understand her. She says strange things to me in the dark. Most of our conversations take place in the dark when I finally drop my insomniac head onto my pillow. Red satin pillowcases and Harriett await me in the dark. I wonder if Harriett wanders. There are times, I swear, I place her on the red satin pillowcase. But, sometimes I look up from whatever it is that occupies my time to see that she sits at the edge of the bed watching me with her sewn in smile. Sometimes I think I must be delirious and sleep deprived to see such things. I know I placed her upon the pillow. I always do. But, she always moves. When I turn to lay down after a good forty-eight hours of no sleep I see that she is back in the position I originally placed her: resting upon the red satin pillowcase. Hikikomori: social withdrawal. I never thought of myself as removed from the pester of others, but perhaps she has a point. People to me do not talk-they pester. I suppose this point of view is not shared among those that are social. So, hikikomori to me. So the doll says.
Goodnight Harriett.

Harriett and I...a continuation.

Coming soon to a monitor near you will be a continuation of the story featuring Harriett and her companion. To recall or refresh your memory:  "I am a repressed revolutionary. Are repressed revolutionaries inspiring Harriett? Harriett said no.
Then why do you treat me like Jesus? Because you remind me of him a lot. How could that be. A fragmented sentence just projected out of me. I suppose I should say that she told Jesus
many tales. Her mother was silent like my mother. She hated her for her silence. Figuratively she was silent. Folks can be loud and silent at the same time..."
To be continued...

And now a song to end this message:


Only The Lonely lyrics
Songwriters: Orbison, Roy; Melson, Joe;
Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah
Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah
Oh oh oh, oh oh ah
Only the lonely, only the lonely

Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know the way I feel tonight
(Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah)
Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know this feeling ain't right
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)

There goes my baby, there goes my heart,
They're gone forever, so far apart-
But only the lonely know why I cry
Only the lonely

Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah
Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah
Oh oh oh, oh oh ah
Only the lonely, only the lonely

Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know the heartaches I've been through
(Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah)
Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know I cry and cry for you
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)

Maybe tomorrow, a new romance
No more sorrow but that's the chance
You've got to take, if your lonely heart breaks-
Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)

Forgiveness

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

 Emo Philips quotes

OH, HAHAHAHA! I found that funny.

But, on a more serious note....

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

 Sara Paddison quotes

I would like to inundate my readers (blessed art thou) with a few, few if possible, quotes on forgiveness, Christ have mercy on me. I have yet to forgive myself of certain mishaps, or, rather situations invented by myself that led to chaos and hurt and just plain idiocy. That time will come. I find it easier to forgive those I choose to forgive. Although being human is not an excuse for doing human things(HAHAHAHA!), I must exorcise myself of any hard feelings towards those only trying to do what he or she knows to be right.

Here are some more quotes relevant to my disquisition on FORGIVENESS.

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” Thomas S. Szasz quotes

Sorry to bore you, here is some more!!!!!
Very boringly, but necessary I am afraid. It is rather personal. Stop laughing at me. This is serious.
“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

 Lewis B. Smedes quotes

 I know my part in all situations played over and over in my mind. I seek forgiveness as well. But, aside from selfishness, the purpose of this post is to forgive others more than to be forgiven.

I.
WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more. II.
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.
III.
I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore ;
But swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore ;
And having done that, Thou hast done ;
I fear no more.
-John Donne

And last, but not least:
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."


-William Blake

I have been doing some thinking on forgiveness. I am not in the habit of playing the victim or crying out about how unjustified certain so and so's are concerning the debasement of my feelings. To only think of my feelings is quite selfish, would you disagree? Human relationships are so complicated: this is an understatement. In fact, most of my relationships have been exaggeratedly over-complicated and I am ready for some new wind to take over that will whisk away the layers of muddle and unearth the gift of simplicity. I no longer wish to partake in the ritual of human situational chaos. Chaos has served its purpose in my life and to be honest, I am quite sick of it (a.k.a. very boringly). 2009 has been a chaotic and rather unfortunate year. I do not regret it. I have learned from it. I have lost many people, lost myself, lost my binding to my own morality, lost control, lost the duh the buh the duh. I lost three months of my life due to psychological treatment. I cannot say all of this was my fault.  I can also say the blame game is idiotic. I am, and have been friends with many high-risk people; such is my choice. Due to my passage through life through the tunnel of trouble I have bonded with many wonderful people also in trouble, hurting, broken, addicted.

Lately I have been hurt by those I thought were my friends. I may have hurt them as well. God knows, I am no innocent. I am human. So are they. Some of us do the best we can and loss is inevitable in terms of choosing and making the best decisions, if not for ourselves, then for our children or any selfless act of keeping those that need to be protected from harm. I've been given the gift of forgiveness by someone very meaningful in my life-someone that has seen the worst of me and still loves me with a pure and durable affection. I am lucky. Some people do not get to receive this gift. I would also like to forgive. There are many out there that never set eyes on this blog-do not even know it exists-yet I shared my soul with them not so long ago. They are gone from my life and it weighs heavy on me indeed, but I cannot hold on to grudge or bitterness or sadness: if I held on to these unpleasantries I would be performing an act of slow- suicide. To tell you the truth I have had enough of the self-sabotage; I have had enough of sabotage itself (a.k.a. very boringly). I have certain individuals in mind as I write this. Certain individuals that were and still are very dear to me no matter what the situation or circumstance. I have looked underneath the hurt and anger and shame and attempted to see the why of it from their standing. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. I may have acted selfish in many ways and for that I ask your forgiveness. I still have yet a lot to learn about being human and doing what is "right," I was not born on the right side of the tracks so to speak and i may have a more difficult time than most at acting on the right decision. Intellectually, I know what is right, hell, I know exactly what to do. Emotionally, now that is another story. Human emotions are so tangled and tied up in knots: it is often hard to see through them in order to act selflessly or rightly. I just want anyone out there that knows me, or has known me, to know that I forgive you as I hope you forgive me one day. I say "hope" not "you must." Many of the circumstances by which I have lost a dear friend have been, yes, unfair, and, yes, very heart-breaking. Everyone has their scars and the choice to pick at them or let them heal. I prefer to let them heal and move on. I forgive you. Sincerely. I am sorry if I have acted in any way selfish or cruel. I am often cruel when I am hurt. I must find another "coping" mechanism. Very boringly, my brain needs a lot of rewiring. I forgive you. Thank you for forgiving me. You know who you are. To those that will never get to read this, I miss you and forgive you. The memories hurt the most. The closeness. The further. The breech of trust. The angry words. Actions that sullied the landscape of our momentary bliss of connection and break from loneliness. Whatever the reasons, I forgive you. I will always have your memory deep in my heart, embedded, tattooed. I never forget. Please forgive me. If you cannot, I still only wish you well.  OSun is out-

Far From Me

For you dear, I was born
For you I was raised up
For you I've lived and for you I will die
For you I am dying now
You were my mad little lover
In a world where everybody fucks everybody else over
You who are so far from me
Far from me
So far from me
Way across some cold neurotic sea
Far from me

I would talk to you of all matter of things
With a smile you would reply
Then the sun would leave your pretty face
And you'd retreat from the front of your eyes
I keep hearing that you're doing best
I hope your heart beats happy in your infant breast
You are so far from me
Far from me
Far from me

There is no knowledge but I know it
There's nothing to learn from that vacant voice
That sails to me across the line
From the ridiculous to the sublime
It's good to hear you're doing so well
But really can't you find somebody else that you can ring and tell
Did you ever
Care for me?
Were you ever
There for me?
So far from me

You told me you'd stick by me
Through the thick and through the thin
Those were your very words
My fair-weather friend
You were my brave-hearted lover
At the first taste of trouble went running back to mother
So far from me
Far from me
Suspended in your bleak and fishless sea
Far from me
Far from me

Crazy love

Hated by all and everywhere he goes
Blazing contempt for human life and lies
Murder as art and what he knows he knows
from life and fear in other people's eyes

Crazy love is all around me
Love is crazy love is kind
But I know somehow you'll find me
Love is crazy love is blind

She walks the boulevard without a care
Knowing too much but having come so far
Pretending life is just a game you play for nothing
Loving no-one and no-where

Crazy love is all around me
Love goes crazy given time
But I know somehow you'll find me
Love is crazy love is blind

She looks as if expecting a surprise
Maybe an encounter that will change her life
Not knowing hot from cold or good for bad
If life is just a joke or if it makes her sad

Crazy love is all around me
Love is crazy love is kind
But I know somehow you'll find me
Love is crazy love is blind

Crazy love is all around me
Love goes crazy given time
But I know somehow you'll find me
Love is crazy love is blind

O' Blame Can You see?

No more soul sucking motherfuckers for me! Happy New Year! And....let the bastards rot while I flourish!

“There is always this element of concealed accusation in neurosis, the patient feeling as though he were deprived of his right-that is, of the center of attention - and wanting to fix the responsibility and blame upon someone.” Alfred Adler quotes

They are all dead, but he...

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”

 Germaine Greer quotes

They are all dead. You tried to prop their caskets open with your love. It did not work. The casket was much stronger. Their will to detach from you much fixed. Determined for one reason or another, some you will never understand, to erase you. Who cares if it destroys you? Then again, you are no victim. You choose who you love, or does it just happen? An irrational branch of the human condition. But why do they all have to die? Why are they ripped from you so suddenly, so cruelly? Is there really a predetermined hex on your relations? Can it be? It seems that way. Because they all die. They rip the binding of the book that contained the love, the loyalty, the bond, the intensity and for you they say "I cannot" " I cannot." The binding so unjustifiably mutilated that it resists and rejects the love so strong in you that attempts to put it back together. How is it they are dead to you but alive to others? It must be your fault. But what have you done? You've done your best to be there for them in times of hardship, yet when it is your hardship they suddenly become ghosts. Why? There is never an answer, but a fact becomes more clear to you as time and loss continue to steal your happiness, your connections, your sense of being a normal human that shares bonds with others, that can rely on those that say they care to really care: You will always be alone. Why do some people, good people, remain alone? Alone like being spit upon after receiving a compliment. Alone like the self-destruct button tempting the press of your forlorn finger. Who will be there to stop that finger? Not the one that said "I care," not the one that said "I love you," not the one that purposely turned a deaf ear to your plea for reassurance, for comfort, for desperate need of the only bond that can save you: all the meaningless words spoken to you, indicative promises of devotion, had disappeared into the air as most lies - become vapid: you are a fool for believing those words before they made themselves dead to you. You have a part. The part is allowing the cycle to recycle. Is it your fault? "Such are promises." And you want to believe. And so you do. And so you are lost among the dead, thinking, remembering, but the dead do neither. The dead do not care. The dead leave the living to suffer their absence. And the cliche is "all you have is you." And the cliche is "all you have is you." If all you have is you then why do you see people bonding, connecting, making and keeping plans amongst one another where for you there is "Such are promises" ? It is confusing and terrifying, these lies, these false hopes, and not necessarily lies so much as irresponsible whims.  Losing hope is murder. Losing hope shatters the life-force. Constant betrayal and loss. A merry-go-round of the same disappointments. Corruption of trust. Lack of faith in humanity. What can you do? The more it changes the more it stays the same-title of a song you love and loathe. They do not even say goodbye.You will never understand why they do not want you-why they leave. You gave too much of yourself. No reciprocity. Such is your life, the hard way. Loss. Like the dead. Photographs of the dead. Memories of the dead. Resentment of the dead. Cruelty. Tell your baggage to stop overflowing lest it kill the next...
But he. He waits for you. Sometimes patiently, sometimes not. He sees you, values you, respects you, LOVES you. Never tries to intentionally hurt you. No cruel words fire at you through his perfect mouth. You hurt him yes, but true love endures, waits, suffers, does not disappear into the air. But he, despite the sorrows, despite your pushing away,  imperfections, hospitalizations, breakdowns, angry words, manias, recklessness, every defect under the goddamn sun: he remains. You trust him with your life. He wants to put back together what was broken. Seal together the bond that was severed. He is very much alive. He is immortal to you. He has never made you feel less than. He is willing to hold on, hold on, hold on. He has shown you what true love is. He is your connection to life. He will never lock the casket on you. You cry because you know that he is good. May be he is the only good you know. Pure and innocent of all that is false. And when he touches you with his tender hand, you believe, all hope is not lost. He will never leave you. He will always stay. The care and love he has for you is indestructible. It took a summer apart to see. A summer that ended in tragedy inspired in you the desire to hear his gentle voice, his healing presence, as you cried in devastation, he listened and yearned for you, forgave you. Your love for him grew deeper after the nightmare and the rotten experiences with unwholesome creatures. You are not entirely alone. Gratitude.
“Unity to be real must stand the severest strain without breaking” Mahatma Gandhi quotes