I Love trash and disorder, therefore I function,

 

"MESSY PEOPLE ARE MORE PRODUCTIVE"-God
 

I DON'T EVEN REALLY SEE THE TRASH. THIS IS MOSTLY BECAUSE I AM THINKING.....2,000 MPH: A MULTIBRITOUS COLLAGE OF THOUGHTS INTERTWINING AND MELDING, BREAKING APART AND JOINING OTHERS, AND OTHERS, AND OTHERS. OTHERS....SMOTHERS. YOU SEE, I TEND TO DISAPPEAR. I LOSE MYSELF. I LOSE TRACK OF WHAT I DID ONE SECOND PRIOR TO NOW. I MULTI-TASK. THE PATTERNS IN WHICH I WORK ARE LOOSE AND DISCONNECTED AND PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING MY FRACTURED FLOW. IT IS ERRATIC. YES. IT IS NOT UNLIKE A LABYRINTHINE ROLLER COASTER RIDE. I AM MONOMANIAC OF EVERYTHING EVERY SECOND.  I MAKE NOISE. I CLASH. I SMASH. I FALL. I LAUGH WHEN I GET DIZZY AND THE SUN SETS UPON ME IN  SUCH A RAY THAT TICKLES MY SANITY. MY BRAIN IS A RACE  CHAMPION CAREENING THROUGH GALAXIES OF BLACK AND WHITE INTENSITIES AND I AM JUST TOO DISTRACTED TO NOTICE THE SEVERAL PLATES OF OLD FOOD ON THE FLOOR, ON THE DESK, ON THE BED STAND OR THE FRUIT FLIES ANNOYING  MY FACE AS I THINK ABOUT NEUROLOGICAL DISORDERS AND THE FOUNDER OF THE CAROUSEL AND WHO THOUGHT GOD WAS A GOOD IDEA AND CUTTING MY TOENAILS AND THE DISEASE OF POP CULTURE AND OH IT GOES ON AND ON. WHAT IS THAT SMELL ACCUMULATING IN THE CORNER NEAR MY READING CHAIR? WHAT IS THAT TICKING NOISE? WHAT IS THAT WORD I NEED TO BEGIN MY MANIFESTO ON NEUROTIC POPES? WHAT IS THAT STAIN ON MY CEILING THAT KEEPS GROWING? WHO IS CALLING ME? IS ANYONE CALLING ME OR AM I HEARING THINGS? STANELY? IS THAT YOU? WAIT STANELY IS DEAD. CHARLEY?  WHERE ARE MY KEYS? WHERE IS THAT SHIRT? FEED THE RABBIT, FEED THE RABBIT. I FORGOT MY APPOINTMENT SHIT! MY THERAPIST IS GOING TO FIRE ME. MY BRAIN IS GOING TO FIRE ME. SEX? WHAT WORD RHYMES WITH ESOTERIC? AH! HYSTERIC! HOLY FRANCIS. IMAGINE IF ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE WERE EXCOMMUNICATED TO THEIR OWN PLANET: THE PLANET OF THE DOLTS. IMAGINE IF I REMEMBERED TO TAKE A SHOWER. GENIUS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IQ OR IVY LEAGUE GOOD GRADE GETTERS. POST ITS. COFFEE. PILOT G-2 07. WRITING IMPLEMENT OF CHOICE. HELL AND DAMNATION. HAVEN'T BRUSHED MY TEETH FOR OVER A MONTH. SOMETHING IS RUSTLING IN THE MOUNDS OF USED KLEENEX ON MY FLOOR. BUTTER FROM A WEEK AGO- A LANDFILL ON MY DESK. MY DESK. A MAZE OF REMINDERS ON POST ITS, EMPTY TO HALF FULL WATER BOTTLES, MUFFIN WRAPPERS, PENS-PILOT G-2 07. EMPTY STARBUCKS DOUBLE ESPRESSO CANS. OLD MAKEUP. NEW MAKEUP. PILL BOTTLES EMPTY AND HALF FULL STREWN ABOUT THE ROOM.I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE LEAD ROLE IN "VALLEY OF THE DOLLS" BUT I REFUSED TO COMPROMISE MY HAIR-COLOR WHICH AT THE TIME WAS A RADIANT SHADE OF TURQUOISE.   IDEAS MAKING THE AIR THICK. CLAUSTROPHOBIC. BOXES OF MY BELONGINGS, THE SUBCONSCIOUS.DISRUPTIVE AND UPROARIOUS CLOMPING OF FOOTSTEPS SMASHING FROM THE FLOOR ABOVE ME ADD TO Psychological noise  AS IF I DO NOT HEAR ENOUGH. NOT A MOMENT OF PEACE. WHAT IS PEACE? I COULD HAVE SWORN I SAW MYSELF STEALING 5,000 DOLLARS WORTH OF DIOR PRODUCT AT SAX THE OTHER DAY. STRANGE. OR IS IT THAT I LOOK IN THE MIRROR TOO MUCH? "

All is vanity and vexation of spirit.

Bible, Ecclesiastes i. 14.

NO, REALLY. I JUST HAVE BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER; NO CREDIT TO YOU Ecclesiastes. WHY DO PEOPLE BRING THEIR CELLPHONES TO THE WOODS AND TALK INCESSANTLY ABOUT  TRIFLES WHEN I GO HIKING? THIS NEVER HAPPENED IN COLORADO...CANNOT WAIT TO GO BACK. NO, REALLY I WANT TO TELL JUDY ABOUT MY NEW DISHWASHER WHILE I AM REVELING IN THE NATURE AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE ELSE HEARS ME BECAUSE I HAVE A LICENSE FOR NOISE POLLUTION. MEANWHILE THE MOLD CONTINUES TO MAKE ITS PRESENCE KNOWN TO ME. IT SEEMS TO GROW WHEREVER I SPEND THE MOST TIME...IN MY ROOM....AT MY DESK. MOLD SURE IS PECULIAR IF YOU ASK ME. FOR SHAME, I JUST TRIPPED OVER A PILE OF DEBRIS AS I ATTEMPTED TO FIND MY DOOR AND RELIEVE MYSELF. NOTHING BAD. ONLY THE CRACKING OF CONCRETE ON HEAD. I've BEEN THROUGH WORSE. SHIT, MY VITAMINS MUST BE SOMEWHERE. i JUST PLACED THEM BEFORE MY COLLECTION OF EMPTY CIGARETTE PACKS BUT A MOMENT AGO. THIS FUCKING ROOM! IT EATS EVERYTHING! NEVER HAVE I KNOWN A ROOM TO BE SO RAVENOUS. DISRESPECTFUL. BLACKGUARD! WOW A BARBIE HEAD I PULLED OFF WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD. HAVEN'T SEEN THAT IN A LONG TIME. AMONGST THE DEBRIS THAT MADE ME CLUMSY. HOW DID IT GET THERE? OH CHRIST I AM PISSING MY PANTS. OH WELL. NEVER MIND. I WILL JUST GO BACK TO MY CHAIR. I HAVE TO THINK AND ALL THESE DISTRACTIONS ARE PREVENTING ME FROM FORMING A COHERENT THOUGHT. ANYHOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I AM BEING COMPLETELY SUPERFICIAL RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING. IT IS RATHER IMPORTANT THOUGH, WHAT I THINK. IT IS ALSO IMPERATIVE THAT I KEEP MY THOUGHTS A PRISONER OF MY MIND BECAUSE I AM TERRIBLY AFRAID THAT SOMEONE WOULD CALL THE F.B.I. AND THE LUNATIC ASYLUM TO BOOT. I, FOR ONE, DO NOT BELONG IN AN INSANE ASYLUM. IN FACT, I AM ONE OF THE MOST DOWN TO EARTH AND SANE PERSONS THAT I KNOW. IT IS HARD TO BE SANE, LET ME TELL YOU. I AM JUST A LITTLE LOST AMONGST THE GARBAGE IN MY ROOM. BUSY THINKERS REALLY SHOULD CONSIDER THE SERVICE OF A MAID; BUT, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SLAVERY OR MAKING OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY RUBBISH. IT REALLY ISN'T A PROBLEM FOR ME. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO OTHER THAN CLEANING A ROOM. HOW BORING. THE PEOPLE I LIVE WITH UPSTAIRS COME INTO MY ROOM WHEN I AM GONE AND INVADE MY PRIVACY. THEN THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CONDITION IT IS IN: MOUNDS OF RUBBISH. "WELL" I SAY "IF IT CAUSE YOU THAT MUCH PAIN, DO NOT ENTER MY ROOM AT ANY COST ANYMORE!" AND "BESIDES ONE DAY YOU WILL BE GLAD I WAS THINKING INSTEAD OF CLEANING BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO BENEFIT FROM MY MIND, YOU'LL SEE!" POOR COMMONERS, THEY JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND. THEY EVEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO THREATEN ME DEPORTATION TO THE BLACK SEA LEST I STOP THINKING AND RID MY ROOM OF THE DEBRIS!   I AM NOT A DAUGHTER. I AM A TENANT. I PAY WITH MY SANITY. I ENDURE LIKE A TIRED MACHINE. THEY THINK I HAVE PLENTY OF SPACE TO LIVE. THIS IS A DELUSION OF COURSE, BUT TRY TELLING THEM SO. AND HOW HARD THEY WORK AT TRYING TO MAKE ME THE OUT TO BE RIDICULOUS AND BLIND. I MAKE MORE SENSE THAN SENSE ITSELF.  I HAVE 20/20 VISION. I HAVE NO ILLUSIONS. I KNOW THE TRUTH. SULLIED EATING UTENSILS ARE PROPS FOR THEIR COMPLAINTS. THEY COME IN WHEN I AM NOT HERE: PRIVACY INVADED. THAT IS A TRUE CRIME. I SHOULD CALL THE AUTHORITIES ON THEM! THINKING IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THOUGH. THE HAY STREWN ABOUT THE FLOOR PROVIDES A BARNYARD-LIKE QUALITY THAT I RATHER ENJOY. MAYBE I SHOULD SPEND THE NIGHT IN THE CAGE WITH MY LITTLE DAUGHTER, AN ANGORA RABBIT. SHE IS FREE TO GO OUTSIDE IN SUMMER. THE COLD WETS MY BONES. I AM AFRAID WE'RE STUCK IN THIS HOUSE DEAR. CARROT? I TRIPPED OVER SOMETHING AGAIN. THRICE IN ONE DAY! AWKWARDLY PLACED SHOES AND AN INFINITY OF ODDS AND ENDS. MORE ODDS THAN ENDS. ONCE TIME I NOTICED MY EXEGESIS  AMONG BITS OF THE USELESS AND OBSOLETE. SO THAT IS WHERE IT HAS BEEN ALL THESE YEARS! AMAZING WHAT ONE FINDS WHEN NOT SEEKING...OR HAVING A HEART ATTACK OVER. SO, HEAD ON THE CONCRETE. NO HOSPITAL PLEASE; I AM TOO BUSY THINKING. I MUST THINK. IDEAS SPOUT OUT LIKE A BROKEN DAM AND I BECOME FLUSTERED AND DISJOINTED AND CLUMSY WITH MY USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND MY POSTURE TWISTED INTO A WRETCHED CONDITION. IT IS ALL SUCH A COMEDY. THE PETTY, THE MEANINGFUL AND WHAT DETERMINES EACH. IMPORTANT. NOT IMPORTANT. IT VARIES DAY TO DAY. THE SWITCHES IN PERCEPTION SHIFT LIKE SOME IMMORTAL ANIMAL. DON'T TRUST IT. BUT IS IT ME? I TRY TO STAY IN MY BODY, BUT IT IS MY NATURE TO FLOAT BEYOND THE BOUNDS OF THE FLESH; I HOVER OVER MYSELF LIKE A STRANGER UNEASY AND DETACHED. WHEN MY FEET TOUCH THE EARTH AND THE DIRT STAINS MY FEET-I KNOW I AM OF THE EARTH...BUT THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO BETRAY ME, LEAVE ME STRANDED AMONG THE UNKNOWN. A SELF THAT IS NOT A SELF. I LIKE THE DIRT. THE BLACK CUMULATIVE SCUM BENEATH MY NAILS LEAVES ME APATHETIC, BUT SOMETIMES I AM EQUIPPED WITH SEVERAL NAIL CLIPPERS, BECAUSE OWNING ONLY ONE PAIR IS NO COMFORT, HAVING ONE OF ANYTHING IS UNCOMFORTABLE. THINGS DISAPPEAR. THINGS I NEED. I SCRAPE THE SOIL OUT FROM UNDER MY NAILS SOMETIMES RITUALISTICALLY. EVERY SPECK MUST BE RID. ON SOME DAYS MY SANITY IS CODEPENDENT. CERTAIN TASKS MUST TAKE PLACE. TRASH BAGS FULL OF WARDROBE ALMOST A COMPLETE OBSTACLE TO MY BED. OUT OF CHAOS IT IS EASIER TO SEE COMMON SENSE AND SO I CLIMB ONTO IT THROUGH A CRACK AND BYPASS THE MOUNDS. SLEEP THOUGH. NOT MUCH. MY MIND IS A KNIFE IN THE NIGHT, SHARP AND PRECISE IS ITS CUT. ASTUTE. THE FRESCOES I SEE CLEARLY; THEY CAN BE DESCRIBED AS VIVID WILDFLOWERS SPREADING, MIXED AND PERSISTENT BREEDS OF COLOR, BORN OUT OF SOME SEEDS TOSSED ABOUT,  RANDOMLY PLACED BY NATURE.HELIANTHUS ANNUSS. HELIOS ANTHOS. SUN AND FLOWER. SUNFLOWER.  IN A TEN WEEK OLD VASE. THEY BEND IN THE DARK. I  NOTICED THEM TODAY WHEN MY THOUGHTS FLIPPED THE SWITCH TO  THE PRESENT, THROUGH MY EYES:  BINOCULARS HEAVY WITH THE BURDEN OF  EVERYTHING, SCRUTINY, THINGS BEST BURIED UNDER PILES- THE SLOW SUICIDE OF JUNK FOOD WRAPPERS, AND BAGS, AND FLUIDS LEAKING FROM STALE MUGS. THE CHAIR I SIT IN, WARM WITH MY SEDENTARY SKIN PRESSING INTO IT, ENGRAVED. BOOKS, PAPERS, BOTTLES, CUPS, OLD YOGURT. MY DESK. THERE ARE MANY THINGS ON MY DESK. I FORGET WHAT COLOR IT IS. I HAVE TO GO NOW. I'M THINKING. G'DAY.

"MESSY PEOPLE ARE MORE PRODUCTIVE"-God

What do I do?

Oh Harriett. How lucky you are. You, all plush and cushion, and faux red locks. Is it easy to be a doll Harriett? You see, I am a human being and I just get so wrapped around the tree of the hanged man....woman....human. I feel this terror and it paralyzes my body and renders it useless. I curl up like a deflated something made in China and I can't come out of my burrow. There is so much fear in me that sometimes i do not feel like I occupy this body anymore. Did I ever? Harriett? Am I restricted to this burden of a body, confined to trembling blood and tarnished skin? Disconnected... disassociated. You don't ever feel that way. Yo are a doll. You are my best friend. You will always be Harriett and you will never leave me. People disappear and their ghosts corrode my sun with specks of memories I care very much to be immune to. I get so angry at the discomfort. This body. This shroud. There are times that I just want to be as a snake and shed. I want to be new. I feel the World taint me the minute I leave the house. Harriett? Oh, I wish you could talk. I know you can hear me, but I need to hear your voice like a lost animal in the dessert needs water. To be human is to be vulnerable and susceptible to many impurities and circumstances. To be human is often to be helpless. We are all helpless with that great gift of mortality we have been given...the sorrow of your body turning to dust before you as the life still pulses, faintly, but just enough for you to see another day go by. I don't want to wait to die Harriett. Oh, I get so scared sometimes. I get so angry. Why? I question why. Why bother? Life is much hurt and defilement and confusion and torment at times....the tornado assaults me sometimes, it spins and whirls until I can't see....the light....the life....feel the pulse of blood pound at my temples. Do you ever feel invisible Harriett? I try to be the best friend I can be. You are the most reliable. You are always here waiting for me to return. You never leave. Human beings leave and my heart feels as if it were being crushed in a vice. The vacancy, the empty, the without. Contact, Why, it seems they always leave me. Am i garbage Harriett? Am I really that disposable. I suppose I don't act right or I smell funny or...I just become a non-entity. A lost and betrayed memory. I don't understand Harriett. You are the only one. The only one that has remained. Loyal. A constant fixture among an overwhelming hurricane. Gee. I need and I don't want to need. The hollows threaten me; they place their horror-bodies on my bed and I am terrified to sleep. terrified to go to bed. How can I not be? And the insomnia. The fighting to stay awake. The push and pull like some medieval terror device ringing pain throughout my exhausted, but jerky body. Harriett? Harriett? Did you fall asleep? I wish you could tell me what all this means. I feel I may go rather mad keeping it all to myself like a toxic volcano.I never know when my head will explode. I must be strange for thinking such things right Harriett? , Sometimes i want to scream at you for remaining silent.  I am jealous of your simplicity. You must hear me though, you must. There is something unique about you Harrietta. I sense your eyes shift when I shift and you eminate a silent wisdom that both placates and infuriates me. I wish we could switch places a couple times a week. I am ready for my retirement fund and I am only 15.  am I going to cease the monsters until I doe. Okay, Harriett, I won't say such hideous things for remainder of the day. Oh, but it is so tiresome when the giant ill switch is broken and I can't turn it off. Harriett, can you teach me the art of utter silence. You are like Zen. Something isn't quite right. Everybody knows. I feel their eyes grow scared when i begin to talk the way I do in front of you. I cannot reveal myself to these people. I am so lonely amongst my peers. Don't they feel it too? Harriett? Silence.

Harriett and I...a continuation.

Coming soon to a monitor near you will be a continuation of the story featuring Harriett and her companion. To recall or refresh your memory:  "I am a repressed revolutionary. Are repressed revolutionaries inspiring Harriett? Harriett said no.
Then why do you treat me like Jesus? Because you remind me of him a lot. How could that be. A fragmented sentence just projected out of me. I suppose I should say that she told Jesus
many tales. Her mother was silent like my mother. She hated her for her silence. Figuratively she was silent. Folks can be loud and silent at the same time..."
To be continued...

And now a song to end this message:


Only The Lonely lyrics
Songwriters: Orbison, Roy; Melson, Joe;
Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah
Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah
Oh oh oh, oh oh ah
Only the lonely, only the lonely

Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know the way I feel tonight
(Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah)
Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know this feeling ain't right
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)

There goes my baby, there goes my heart,
They're gone forever, so far apart-
But only the lonely know why I cry
Only the lonely

Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah
Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah
Oh oh oh, oh oh ah
Only the lonely, only the lonely

Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know the heartaches I've been through
(Ooh yay, yay, yay, yeah)
Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)
Know I cry and cry for you
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)

Maybe tomorrow, a new romance
No more sorrow but that's the chance
You've got to take, if your lonely heart breaks-
Only the lonely
(Dum dum dum, dummy doo wah)

Harriett?

Image via Wikipedia

Harriett. Oh Harriett. I can hear the rats rustling in the trash and the room is smothered with debris. The rotting half eaten yogurt I attempted to eat two days ago looks like my apathy. I wish you were here. The drapery dust reminds me of my idle and solitary life. The chair has been stuck to my bottom for almost over a year and my teeth are beginning to detach themselves from my gums: I have not brushed my teeth since autumn. I am afraid of hygiene because it means I have to move and moving is oh so scary for me. My hypoglycemic hands shake. My legs shake so hard I am weary of taking the stairs to the kitchen for some water. I curl in a ball just like you Harriett. You pull every limb, every part of yourself inward-an attempt to console the fragile line you know you must walk soon in order to be free. Must stop hiding from the mean spirited force of action that threatens your comfort. Should you spread yourself out too far, Harriett, you will lose all that you thought was you and give  in to the inevitable gravity that betrays you. If I truly were Jesus, Harriett, I would die for all your sins. Our kinship may be remote, but it is all we have as far as outside the box goes. And how we tire each other out with sighs. How can I remind you of Jesus if I have no followers: I have no love in me. I have not the ability to make anyone's eyes shine and sing along with the sun's medicinal voice. I am invisible as the dead. You say you see me, but you were always an exception. I have become old and crippled since the darkness swallowed my youth. I no longer glow or dance. I do not deserve the ceremony of crucifixion; I have accomplished only a few cracked glasses and minor injuries such as spiritual deprivation and self-starvation. Nothing in particular took place Harriett. My body barks at me as I refuse to nourish it. Nothing happened. I just do not eat anymore. I hope you are well wherever you are. Your demons infect me just as if they were my own. No, I have not seen the sun in a great while. I cannot even remember the hypnotic warmth of the sun lighting up my skin. I only squint when trying to read or when I am so sleep deprived the writing on the wall is so obscure that I doubt it exists. Harriett please come to me. We are both alone, but we are tied together in the most supernatural and odd way. I miss your presence even when your presence reflects absence...

-Visual by Otto Dix

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The Winged Hussars

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/hussars.html

"It is chivalry that has no equal in the world; without seeing it with your own eyes, its vigor and splendor is impossible to imagine." - Cosimo Brunetti, 1676

Godd Morning!

"You can have lunch with your friends, catch the plague, and then have dinner with your ancestors in paradise because you are totally dead".-Middle Ages

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Far From Me

For you dear, I was born
For you I was raised up
For you I've lived and for you I will die
For you I am dying now
You were my mad little lover
In a world where everybody fucks everybody else over
You who are so far from me
Far from me
So far from me
Way across some cold neurotic sea
Far from me

I would talk to you of all matter of things
With a smile you would reply
Then the sun would leave your pretty face
And you'd retreat from the front of your eyes
I keep hearing that you're doing best
I hope your heart beats happy in your infant breast
You are so far from me
Far from me
Far from me

There is no knowledge but I know it
There's nothing to learn from that vacant voice
That sails to me across the line
From the ridiculous to the sublime
It's good to hear you're doing so well
But really can't you find somebody else that you can ring and tell
Did you ever
Care for me?
Were you ever
There for me?
So far from me

You told me you'd stick by me
Through the thick and through the thin
Those were your very words
My fair-weather friend
You were my brave-hearted lover
At the first taste of trouble went running back to mother
So far from me
Far from me
Suspended in your bleak and fishless sea
Far from me
Far from me

Innocence upon a time.

shttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Condition

And perhaps it was an anomaly, the torrents of grasshoppers, one after the other through a crack in the backyard fence, flooding your insect catcher-the prize of your childhood. Beyond the fence, the marsh, and the surreal parade of grasshoppers. They were your first true friends. As many the catcher could hold was the claustrophobic fate of the grasshoppers, but you were young and ignorant, you did not want to be alone in your room at night and the constant flicker of insect legs  against plastic reminded you that there was life:time did not stop when you were alone. By morning they were gone. Mother and father said that the grasshoppers had to go home. You knew they had let them go. You stared at the crispy exoskeleton, all that remained inside the plastic: a grasshopper had molted while you slept. A strange loneliness passed through you. The remains of a friend, quite meaningless once the life has ceased. This did not deter you from collecting grasshoppers: it became your ritual. Your first real bond, separate from the nexus of daughter, mother, and father, was with the continuous flow of orthopteran insects. The grasshopper: advocate of intuition. The grasshopper totem: never silence your inner musings. The grasshopper chooses the innovator, " forward thinkers that progress in life by unorthodox methods." When you accidentally dropped the bug catcher onto the pavement of the driveway it cracked and broke. Your first little devastation: it was never replaced. The bond, however, did not break, and you would be amongst grasshoppers come the first blaze of summer and every summer to come. Such an anomaly, how they hopped, one after the other, through the crack in the fence. Their parade was endless.
You were the first, the novelty, the bliss of an only child, first daughter, first granddaughter. You were fortunate enough to see the love between your mother and father glow, a utopia of affection they displayed before you with long kisses and caresses.  Unbeknownst, that love would turn bitter as human complications surfaced, reared their ugly nightmares and sullied the insulation of the perfect landscape of innocence. You remember that gift, the fantasy of immortal love, all the skeletons dormant in the closet burst out years later, a cyclone slap of ugly reality and circumstance. The human condition.
Oh! but remember the graveyard? Your father was caretaker of the graveyard. Daddy's little girl accompanied him to play, to observe, to dash about tombstones and the ancient sinking stones engraved with bizarre tales of death adjacent to the railroad tracks. The stone of an infant. Mortality came early. Too early. Was it possible to die before living? Yet play and run and ecstatic glee of being among the cats that inhabited the caretaker's shed. Their names now distant, aphasic, the tongue loses its sharpness when time piles a million other names, stifling and overcrowding the memory with what becomes more significant as time passes. But there were cats, such joy they gave you as a child, the novelty, the first.
The master of the graveyard, old Mr. Merwin, occupied a large lavish home with his aged wife. The wallpaper, floral, lavender, your favorite color, and the old woman a shock of white hair and wisdom. Father maintained their home and property as well. The great white house on the hill you rolled down, over tufts of fresh clover and busy bees, oblivious, disrupting their feast, again and again, laughter and light, the sun, your eyes, ripe with life, on the lawn of the Merwin estate. They were always kind. The Merwins. The rosebush, pinkish-white petals, fresh and aromatic, stood for years on the Merwin family plot. The old woman was the last of the Merwin line. The rosebush waited patiently for her to be put to rest and then withered itself into the ground: the death of a family and the rosebush faithfully gone with the last.
Remember the swinging on the fourth of July. The fireworks visible, ebullient and bursting over the marshes. It was well past dark, late evening, but mother and father allowed you the privilege to remain outdoors past bedtime. And as the colors erupted brilliantly in the sky, you pumped your legs harder and harder, higher and higher, the ecstasy of mini-explosions and the soft whipping of the breeze against your face, immortality and youth, the luxurious privacy of the only child accompanying you as you rose through the night air. To soar through the air as if over the marshes and the trees themselves, to have no fear, to be untainted from the dirty mouths of the older children that would harass you in the new neighborhood, later. How fantastic was the silent electric pleasure pulsating throughout your limbs: the joy and the peace of the simplicity of the moment.
You did not resent the birth of your brother and sister. There was no jealousy. They were an interesting phenomena to you having been the solitary first, the novelty, the little princess. I loved and tormented them, I perfected the art of the brat, but with a curious detachment and disconnection that would only intensify when I was put amongst other children. Nursery school. I hated school the moment I was forced to attend. The presence of other children made me uncomfortable; my perceptions were quite mature for my age and I found it hard to relate to "the others." This is when the blackness became more acute. My world was disrupted by teachers, and pestering assignments and horrid group participation. I felt like a black spot of ink on a backdrop of white. The disconnection and lack of "belonging" rang in my head like a migraine and I just wanted to carry on with my freedom, but instead I was pushed into a mass of oozing noses and silly ideas about what I was supposed to know. The hollow and aphotic voice took over my sub-conscious. A constant nag everyday, "something is wrong," "something is wrong," perpetually created a shadow that infiltrated my perception. I rarely smiled. I hated the children. They were wicked and cruel. They blotted out the golden age and made everything that was beautiful to me seem foolish and dead. The anxieties, the highs and devastating lows, hyper-elation and thoughts of death. Did every child feel this way? Was every child as impulsive and moody and in tune with what was wrong with the world? Did every child threaten suicide at age five and keep a knife under his or her pillow? Persistent and violent nightmares. Almost kidnapped when I moved to the new neighborhood. A man following me as I walked home alone. The perverse men that had exposed themselves to me, stared at me, invaded my sacred innocence. I was a constant hall-flower in elementary school. I was almost expelled. I couldn't sit still. I was bored to tears. The human condition had pervaded me! Until next time...
-OSUN

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