I am Scatology: Jan 9, 2010

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

Emo Philips quotes

OH, HAHAHAHA! I found that funny.

But, on a more serious note....

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

Sara Paddison quotes

I would like to inundate my readers (blessed art thou) with a few, few if possible, quotes on forgiveness, Christ have mercy on me. I have yet to forgive myself of certain mishaps, or, rather situations invented by myself that led to chaos and hurt and just plain idiocy. That time will come. I find it easier to forgive those I choose to forgive. Although being human is not an excuse for doing human things(HAHAHAHA!), I must exorcise myself of any hard feelings towards those only trying to do what he or she knows to be right.

Here are some more quotes relevant to my disquisition on FORGIVENESS.

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”

Thomas S. Szasz quotes

Sorry to bore you, here is some more!!!!!
Very boringly, but necessary I am afraid. It is rather personal. Stop laughing at me. This is serious.
“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

Lewis B. Smedes quotes

I know my part in all situations played over and over in my mind. I seek forgiveness as well. But, aside from selfishness, the purpose of this post is to forgive others more than to be forgiven.

I.
WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more. II.
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.
III.
I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore ;
But swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore ;
And having done that, Thou hast done ;
I fear no more.
-John Donne

And last, but not least:
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."

-William Blake

I have been doing some thinking on forgiveness. I am not in the habit of playing the victim or crying out about how unjustified certain so and so's are concerning the debasement of my feelings. To only think of my feelings is quite selfish, would you disagree? Human relationships are so complicated: this is an understatement. In fact, most of my relationships have been exaggeratedly over-complicated and I am ready for some new wind to take over that will whisk away the layers of muddle and unearth the gift of simplicity. I no longer wish to partake in the ritual of human situational chaos. Chaos has served its purpose in my life and to be honest, I am quite sick of it (a.k.a. very boringly). 2009 has been a chaotic and rather unfortunate year. I do not regret it. I have learned from it. I have lost many people, lost myself, lost my binding to my own morality, lost control, lost the duh the buh the duh. I lost three months of my life due to psychological treatment. I cannot say all of this was my fault. I can also say the blame game is idiotic. I am, and have been friends with many high-risk people; such is my choice. Due to my passage through life through the tunnel of trouble I have bonded with many wonderful people also in trouble, hurting, broken, addicted.

Lately I have been hurt by those I thought were my friends. I may have hurt them as well. God knows, I am no innocent. I am human. So are they. Some of us do the best we can and loss is inevitable in terms of choosing and making the best decisions, if not for ourselves, then for our children or any selfless act of keeping those that need to be protected from harm. I've been given the gift of forgiveness by someone very meaningful in my life-someone that has seen the worst of me and still loves me with a pure and durable affection. I am lucky. Some people do not get to receive this gift. I would also like to forgive. There are many out there that never set eyes on this blog-do not even know it exists-yet I shared my soul with them not so long ago. They are gone from my life and it weighs heavy on me indeed, but I cannot hold on to grudge or bitterness or sadness: if I held on to these unpleasantries I would be performing an act of slow- suicide. To tell you the truth I have had enough of the self-sabotage; I have had enough of sabotage itself (a.k.a. very boringly). I have certain individuals in mind as I write this. Certain individuals that were and still are very dear to me no matter what the situation or circumstance. I have looked underneath the hurt and anger and shame and attempted to see the why of it from their standing. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. I may have acted selfish in many ways and for that I ask your forgiveness. I still have yet a lot to learn about being human and doing what is "right," I was not born on the right side of the tracks so to speak and i may have a more difficult time than most at acting on the right decision. Intellectually, I know what is right, hell, I know exactly what to do. Emotionally, now that is another story. Human emotions are so tangled and tied up in knots: it is often hard to see through them in order to act selflessly or rightly. I just want anyone out there that knows me, or has known me, to know that I forgive you as I hope you forgive me one day. I say "hope" not "you must." Many of the circumstances by which I have lost a dear friend have been, yes, unfair, and, yes, very heart-breaking. Everyone has their scars and the choice to pick at them or let them heal. I prefer to let them heal and move on. I forgive you. Sincerely. I am sorry if I have acted in any way selfish or cruel. I am often cruel when I am hurt. I must find another "coping" mechanism. Very boringly, my brain needs a lot of rewiring. I forgive you. Thank you for forgiving me. You know who you are. To those that will never get to read this, I miss you and forgive you. The memories hurt the most. The closeness. The further. The breech of trust. The angry words. Actions that sullied the landscape of our momentary bliss of connection and break from loneliness. Whatever the reasons, I forgive you. I will always have your memory deep in my heart, embedded, tattooed. I never forget. Please forgive me. If you cannot, I still only wish you well. OSun is out-

For you dear, I was born
For you I was raised up
For you I've lived and for you I will die
For you I am dying now
You were my mad little lover
In a world where everybody fucks everybody else over
You who are so far from me
Far from me
So far from me
Way across some cold neurotic sea
Far from me

I would talk to you of all matter of things
With a smile you would reply
Then the sun would leave your pretty face
And you'd retreat from the front of your eyes
I keep hearing that you're doing best
I hope your heart beats happy in your infant breast
You are so far from me
Far from me
Far from me

There is no knowledge but I know it
There's nothing to learn from that vacant voice
That sails to me across the line
From the ridiculous to the sublime
It's good to hear you're doing so well
But really can't you find somebody else that you can ring and tell
Did you ever
Care for me?
Were you ever
There for me?
So far from me

You told me you'd stick by me
Through the thick and through the thin
Those were your very words
My fair-weather friend
You were my brave-hearted lover
At the first taste of trouble went running back to mother
So far from me
Far from me
Suspended in your bleak and fishless sea
Far from me
Far from me

Saturday, January 9, 2010

YOU KNOW!

Forgiveness

Cranes - Beautiful Friend

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Far From Me (4x5)

Marianne Faithfull - Crazy Love

Far From Me

Crazy love

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